How I know you’re a freshman

J.B. Sivanich

This year is my fourth here at Lawrence, and even though I feel like I have a good enough handle on faces to differentiate between new ones and old ones, I have found easy ways to tell if the new faces I see belong to freshman or simply physics majors who never leave Youngchild.
1. You are constantly carrying around a copy of “King Lear.”
2. Having never experienced the horrors of Downer, you walk around
New Downer with an immodest sense of entitlement.
3. You are quiet in the library.
4. You still pretend to care about art and film and literature and politics
and good music.
5. You use the word “bro” either not at all or too much.
6. You sit in your dorm room with the door open every night, pretending to do homework on your bed, though it is pretty obvious that you are just hoping that someone will come in and talk to you.
7. You go to football games.
8. You change your pants on a daily basis.
9. You don’t listen to enough Lil’ Wayne.
10. You don’t take naps in public places.
11. You laugh at your professors’ jokes.
12. You smell like Fleischmann’s.
13. You say “Andrew Commons” instead of “New Downer.”
14. You arrived at Togas and Techno at 10:05.
15. You think Jack Keruoac, Andy Warhol and Wes Anderson are the epitome of good art.
16. You friend people on Facebook who you have never met before.